i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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