New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
