She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
