You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
