just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
