If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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