I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Are my feet made of real feet?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
