Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
