i'm signing you up for texting rehab
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
