My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
