I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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