my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
