and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
