If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
