She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
