Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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