i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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