I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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