the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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