Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
