Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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