Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
