apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
