Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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