sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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