ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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