i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Apparently you make a good broom.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
