the condom got lost in my hair
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
