I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
