bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
