A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
