I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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