I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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