I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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