he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
