My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
