i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you had me at cake vodka
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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