You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
