when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
