No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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