there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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