good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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