Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
