every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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