I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
