Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
