i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
