I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
