my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
