He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
