I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
